I have always hated money. I hate that we need it to pay for things, I hate that I need to have a job to make money because I feel that is runs my life.
For those of you that do not know, I have been seeing a spiritual counselor since about April. When I first started going, I was in a place that I wasn’t familiar with. I felt lost, alone and like I was heading down a path very unfamiliar and didn’t know how to come back. That is where a lot of my posts came from around that time. My counselor helped me get by, reminded me that when you get down to the moment, everything is well. She would say “In THIS moment, all is well.” I have a tendency to over think and let the past and the future dictate how I am feeling. I have a really hard time with wanting to be in control and its something that I have been working on. I really feel like I am making some good progress and hope to better myself.
Now back to money. Today in my session, I finally brought up my thoughts, fears, and anxiety about this thing that “runs” our everyday lives. I never seem to have enough and when I have some, its all gone. Sometimes I feel okay and then every once in a while I freak out. I feel like I become a different person, more emotional and not as fun as I think that I am. :)
In our mediation, my counselor said a lot of things that really stuck with me. If you have met me, even once, you will know I am a social butterfly. I love to hang out with friends and try new things which after a while can be expensive. My counselor said something along the lines about reminding yourself that your success is not measured by what you do with your money or making yourself perceived as successful, but my success can be measured by my bank account. That the more it grows, that will be my success. She is also good at reminding me that even though I don’t feel like I have a lot, my VALUE is no less to God. I am still and beloved daughter of God.
She confronted me on this afterwards because she knows my personality type and knows that I like to “show” that I am successful. But showing that I am successful doesn’t mean that I actually am successful. Which I have been processing a lot today.
So now I am back to working on trust. Prayers that I can trust that God will always provide for me if I am willing to let go and let God.
- 10:15 PM
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