If there was one word I could use to describe how I have felt over the last year or so it would be this:
Depressed.
I am finally admitting it.
I am the master of fronts. Of putting a smile on my face in front of co-workers, friends and family. I am SUPER good a making myself look like I am okay. Its maddening to me even to this day. Because why would anyone want to hear about my problems right? Why would anyone care about me? While I know that there are people who DO care deeply about me, I still ask myself these questions….you’ll see why.
I have been going to therapy for the last few years and have loved it. I honestly think every single person should be in therapy. Its good for the soul. To have a person who has no idea about your life or your struggles except for what you tell them, is liberating. To be able to have someone challenge you in new ways so that you can grow as an individual, everyone needs that. So if you aren’t in therapy….you should be.
This round of depression started a little over a year ago. Struggling with my personal and professional life, I found no way to be truly happy. Working 70-80 hour work weeks at 2 jobs, no real time for friends or family and no time to explore my passions. I was (and still am) DROWNING in depression. I felt like a machine just trying to get through each day, one day at a time, attempting to convince myself that my situation at the time was only temporary. Sure, I put on a good face at both my jobs and got some close friends that I do still keep in touch with, but something was missing. And it still is.
Now that I am working one job, have a new living situation and more “time”, I STILL have yet to explore passions or even pick up my freaking guitar. I come home from work (usually an awful day), make dinner, watch tv, sleep and repeat the next day. It feels robotic, even to this day. I have even gotten to the point where I have gained ALL the weight I worked SO hard to lose 3 years ago….and I KNOW that I am doing this to myself, and I can’t stop it.
I try to chat with friends close and far but its hard. I try to explain my feelings but don’t feel like anyone truly understands. So I have stopped sharing and I am keeping things bottled up for that one hour a month of therapy I can afford.
I feel like a part of me is missing and I can seem to find it. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel jaded. I feel…..abandoned. Which I didn’t think was possible. But even in a crowded room, you can still feel alone right? I honestly don’t even think this blog is HALF of the actual problems that I am facing, but starting to put it into words is helpful to hoping that I can go in a positive direction.
So here’s to finally admitting this feeling so I can start to move forward.
- 12:47 AM
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