Will the real Lauren Short please stand up?: 2013

In This Moment, All Is Well

I have always hated money. I hate that we need it to pay for things, I hate that I need to have a job to make money because I feel that is runs my life.

For those of you that do not know, I have been seeing a spiritual counselor since about April. When I first started going, I was in a place that I wasn’t familiar with. I felt lost, alone and like I was heading down a path very unfamiliar and didn’t know how to come back. That is where a lot of my posts came from around that time. My counselor helped me get by, reminded me that when you get down to the moment, everything is well. She would say “In THIS moment, all is well.” I have a tendency to over think and let the past and the future dictate how I am feeling. I have a really hard time with wanting to be in control and its something that I have been working on. I really feel like I am making some good progress and hope to better myself.

Now back to money. Today in my session, I finally brought up my thoughts, fears, and anxiety about this thing that “runs” our everyday lives. I never seem to have enough and when I have some, its all gone. Sometimes I feel okay and then every once in a while I freak out. I feel like I become a different person, more emotional and not as fun as I think that I am. :)

In every session, we always end with a meditation that really centers me and gets me back to feeling calm, collected and ready to tackle on the rest of my day and brings me a lot closer to God. My counselor asked me, “Lauren, what do you want to get out of the meditation today? What is the meaning of it?” which I thought was a bit odd at first. My counselor has never asked me a question like that. At first I didn’t know how to respond. But then it hit me. I am not trusting that God will provide for me in any capacity. Especially money. I have ALWAYS had control over that aspect of my life. So I said “I guess what I am trying to get back to is trusting that God will provide for me. That something will be there.” She knew the entire time that I wasn’t letting God have control and giving God my trust.

In our mediation, my counselor said a lot of things that really stuck with me. If you have met me, even once, you will know I am a social butterfly. I love to hang out with friends and try new things which after a while can be expensive. My counselor said something along the lines about reminding yourself that your success is not measured by what you do with your money or making yourself perceived as successful, but my success can be measured by my bank account. That the more it grows, that will be my success. She is also good at reminding me that even though I don’t feel like I have a lot, my VALUE is no less to God. I am still and beloved daughter of God.

She confronted me on this afterwards because she knows my personality type and knows that I like to “show” that I am successful. But showing that I am successful doesn’t mean that I actually am successful. Which I have been processing a lot today.

So now I am back to working on trust. Prayers that I can trust that God will always provide for me if I am willing to let go and let God.

10:15 PM
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My attempt to get back into this thing

1:18 PM
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"Do the things that give you life"

If you read my post last week, you could probably tell I feel unsettled. Mostly because i began the third paragraph stating that. With a week gone by, not much as changed. Although I did get a new mattress yesterday and slept REALLY well last night ;)

Lately I have been feeling lost, as if I am just going through the motions of living day by day. Going to work, going to class, going home and hanging out with friends. The normal day by day things. I thought that working a normal 8-5 job would give me the consistency in my life to be able to come home, pick up my guitar and write more. But lately that has not been the case.

While chatting with my mom over FaceTime, I found myself in tears. At this point in my life, I feel as if I am not anywhere close to pursuing anything that is close to what I feel like I should be doing. Yes I have a job, I have a roof over my head and GREAT friends, but I still feel lost.

I think most of what I am feeling, is due to stress. I have a really stressful 8-5 job that sometimes I feel like I can’t walk away from and take a break. After chatting with my mom more, I came to the realization that I am not really doing anything that helps relieve my stress. Yes, I exercise 3-4 times a week and when I am not really stressed I eat right. But my biggest stress reliever when I was working at Apple and when I was in college was music. I would just pick up my guitar and play anything. I would find new songs to cover and even try to write something every now and again. But now, I either am doing homework or am way to tired at the end of the day and do something mindless like watching TV or a movie.

After hearing some hard truths from my best friend Veronica, I called my mom and that’s when the tears started. My mom said “Look you need to do the things that give you life. Sometimes that means you need to make yourself be alone to do those things, which I know is hard because you love to be a social butterfly.” This was the main thing that stuck with me.

Last week I posed the question, how do you truly let go and let God take control? I am still search for that answer and probably will for a long time. I am the type of person that needs to have a plan of where I am going to go next. I have a hard time, letting go. Always have.

This week, I am thinking about what gives me life. If I were to go with my gut, it would be music.

I am hoping to learn to let go more and pursue those things that give me life.

This is a picture from the last show I did,. Which will be 3 years ago on April 28th. I remember being so nervous, thrilled and happy to be playing for people. I hope I can get back to that feeling sometime soon

Will the real Lauren Short please stand up?

My Thoughts on Resolutions

Under Pressure

What are feelings?

In This Moment, All Is Well

My attempt to get back into this thing

"Do the things that give you life"

Processing

New Year AND New Beginnings?

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